Alina Mak: April 2013

Supposedly a very fun thing to go overseas with friends. But when things don't go right, the only thing you can think about is 'why did you even make this decision'? Especially when you know your parents didn't exactly approve it but you insisted on going, when you realize this will actually affect your friendship, when you know it's suppose to be a fun and exciting thing but turned out to be just plain, problems in your life.

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I am a very rash person i admit. I can just explode on a person for the wrongest reason and sometimes, not even a reason.

I can be a self-centered person, I admit. I can talk about all sorts of thing about just me when I have nothing else to talk about you.

During my younger days, such things were just a part of life.
Explode -> wait for other party to initiate a patch up -> move on with life -> commit the same mistakes over again and again.
I never really learnt right?

As I grew up, things started to look more serious than it was. Sometimes, it's just trying too hard to make things work. The more you want to hold on to a person, the more impossible it is to achieve it. Things just don't always go the way you want it to be. Change is a promise made to thy self. Being less outspoken in arguments, keeping small unhappiness within you - these are just things I thought could eliminate/lessen conflicts and keep a friendship going much more stronger. But the more we keep things to ourselves, the greater the amount of pressure as they accumulate over time. And then, for all you know, comes a big explosion. In your heart, you know you don't mean to hurt the person, but truth is, you did. These are just a part of being human beings, isn't it?

In recent years, learning to treasure every friendship is a goal on its own. I just want to try my best to make sure that decades down the road, the people around me now will still be my friends. But, holding tight simply mean that when the kites fly away, the hurt is greater than if you locked your heart up. Then again, is it wrong to hold on tight to the people close to your heart? Perhaps, as we grow up, we become more worried of changes. We are afraid of people leaving our lives, we are worried things would never be the same again. We fear, so we stop being brave.

I never liked awkward silences and I always felt that when you're together, you should make good use of the time to talk about anything and everything. I can be exaggerating, I can be talking just about me. But really, when all else fails, I'll end up talking about me. Not because I want to be a selfish person, but what do you expect me to say when there's nothing else more to say? I can't talk to you about your story because I simply do not know it. It doesn't always make sense to talk about lame jokes all the time. I just want to fill in empty silences with conversations that perhaps, I thought people could continue. Doesn't sound like a legit point but I don't always tell people about my life. When I do open my life to you, it means you really mean something great to me. It's easy to say that one should open up your heart to others, but it's never easy to actually do it. Perhaps, I've been doing it the wrong way all the while.....

I am rash, I explode, I hurt others. I am self-centered as it seems afterall. These are things I try to change vehemently. Believe me, I really try to be a friend to the best of my ability. At many times, I cannot give as much as I wish to but if I can, I would. I don't know how to be the greatest friend in the world but if you ever need a ride home, someone to get you food in the middle of the night, someone to talk to, I will be there to do it. But ultimately, I am me and some things are difficult/not meant to be change. I cannot promise that I can be the friend with the best temper or be the optimistic friend everyone likes hanging out with because I am just, me.

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Sometimes in life, we fly kites. Sometimes, we have to let the kites fly.
I want to learn how to fly kites in real life soon.